Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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