Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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