you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
