does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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