You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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