Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
