I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
