I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
