Rock
Scissors
Fuck
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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