I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I will pee on everything he values.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
