He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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