Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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