Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Randomize
