I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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