your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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