took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
