oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
