His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
not ubering you a puppy
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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