i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
