She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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