i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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