I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
