We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
