Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
