He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
