On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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