On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
