I could have mohawked her pubes.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
