During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
