you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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