It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
