How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i think i scared a bird with my dick
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
