I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
