my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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