im having a threesome with these popsicles
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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