Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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