Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
