I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
