i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
