I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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