I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
