Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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