New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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