got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
