I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
