At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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