I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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