textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
