They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
