I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
